Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I forgot wine drunk hurts
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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