I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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