I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
