Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
