I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
