i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
