just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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