Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
Randomize
