1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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