Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
