There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
