so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
