You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
