Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
