Soap is not a condiment
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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