i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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