I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
