she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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