Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Randomize
