you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
