I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize
