So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
