im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
