whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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