question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
Randomize
