No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
