life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
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