he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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