If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
