Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
