She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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