i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
