If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
