I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
