He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
