Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
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