My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize