she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
