he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
