He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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