We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
