the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
