So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
