I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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