Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Randomize
