I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
