I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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