the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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