Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
