So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
