I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
